When stress happens, you need to have a plan. Here is a great webinar about emotional eating. Thanks to the Meltdown Challenge for this information.
http://www.audioacrobat.com/playv/WBgvRWHQ
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Saturday, June 7, 2014
Tell Me Your Story
I get this a lot when people hear we adopted 3 children. I'm sure it seems like a fairy tale to most.
Boy meets girl. They fall in love. They have children...well, they can't have children of their own, but God puts it on their heart to adopt a sibling set so that children from one family could stay together.Everyone lives happily ever after. The End.
Ok, seriously...people who have kids, natural or adopted, know that isn't how it works! At all. Or ever!
There's a lot of mess in between...and I suspect for the entire time you parent..which I hear is until you take your last breath....
People think because we wanted 3 children and adopted we are saints. Believe me, there are days when I get a compliment as such and it is JUST what I needed to hear. I'm pretty sure if they were in our 4 walls at our home, however, they may hold that compliment.
I am a selfish person. I knew that when I got married. I like doing things that bless ME. I like to THINK that I like to do things to bless my husband..and I do, if it blesses me as well. Well, I'm not all that bad, but, um..yes I am. I think if we are all honest, we want a life of ease. Having children...1, 2 or 3...or more...means you DIE to YOURSELF each day. It's not supposed to feel like you are actually dying, but there are days that it feels like that to me. I told you I am selfish.
I want my kids to love me. I want them to like me if I'm honest. I know to be a GOOD parent, that isn't always possible every moment. I mean, did you LIKE your mom when she told you to eat your veggies and no ice cream for dinner? Or that you couldn't go to the party unless they called the parents of the kid inviting you...(ugh, I still remember cringing as my mom actually called!)...but hey, I'm going to do what I need to do to keep my kids safe, too..so call away I will probably do too.
So, tell me your story. Well, honestly, I thought that adopting 3 kids was no different than having them on my own except I'd have to miss out on some of their lives.(and 1, 2, or 3..what was the difference..kids changes your life, so why not 3, right?) Yes, they would have "baggage" but we would LOVE it away. I thought we would go to the park and play together. I thought we would go to a baseball game as a family. I didn't anticipate my one daughter would wig out when the music and noise got too loud or that my oldest would be worrying about what food he wasn't eating to the point that he would probably steal something from our home that evening and gorge himself on it later, because he felt deprived as he had before us and it's a trigger for him. I didn't know my youngest would be worried about her other siblings who seem to overreact to everything...even so much so that she will lie that SHE did something so they don't have to face a consequence..just to keep the peace in our house.
That's the minor stuff. The big stuff I can't even share...only a few know...mostly professionals who are helping us..and a few close friends and prayer warriors.
So my story (I choose not to speak for my husband, who, quite honestly, is less selfish than me when it comes to our kids...) is one of loneliness. Most people do not or care not to relate to us as parents. We have to be SUPER strict. We seem to never have fun with our kids. Truth is, we wish to be "normal" parents. I'm sure our kids wish they didn't come with baggage. Sadly, that was the only way we would be parents.
Before you think I don't love my children...I sure do. So much so it hurts. I tell my kids I would jump in front of a bus for them. Sadly, at least 2 are not sure that is true...because early in their life someone pretty much pushed THEM in FRONT of the bus.
It is my hope that ONE adoptive parent sees this and realizes he/she is NOT the only one who deals with this. I probably don't fully understand YOUR situation...but I may have an idea of the guilt you carry that you wish it was easy. You wish you didn't respond in anger when your child says awful things to you because he/she is afraid to let you in and therefore pushes you away. It hurts so deeply so YOUR defense mechanisms kick in and you start to self preserve. Not healthy to have a child and a mom in self-preservation mode. It's definitely not the stuff that makes a Hallmark movie. (well, not the lovey-dovey kind anyway!)
My husband always says this saying, "It is what it is." For our family, I hope it is just like this until they heal. I pray hard everyday that they will be healed of the emotional scars they incurred before meeting their forever Mommy and Daddy. I even selfishly pray (see there is that selfishness again) that they are grateful as adults that their Mommy and Daddy sought help from professionals, loved them after ugly ugly behavior and just were their parents no matter what.
None of the above will happen without a WHOLE LOT of God's grace showering each one of my kids. And us as parents.
So we pray. And hope. We let people think we have the fairy tale. We do because in the end we have 3 kids who are cute and loving and are God's gift to us..but are struggling. We have God sustaining us.
You probably, however, won't see us on one of those lovey-dovey Hallmark movies!
Boy meets girl. They fall in love. They have children...well, they can't have children of their own, but God puts it on their heart to adopt a sibling set so that children from one family could stay together.Everyone lives happily ever after. The End.
Ok, seriously...people who have kids, natural or adopted, know that isn't how it works! At all. Or ever!
There's a lot of mess in between...and I suspect for the entire time you parent..which I hear is until you take your last breath....
People think because we wanted 3 children and adopted we are saints. Believe me, there are days when I get a compliment as such and it is JUST what I needed to hear. I'm pretty sure if they were in our 4 walls at our home, however, they may hold that compliment.
I am a selfish person. I knew that when I got married. I like doing things that bless ME. I like to THINK that I like to do things to bless my husband..and I do, if it blesses me as well. Well, I'm not all that bad, but, um..yes I am. I think if we are all honest, we want a life of ease. Having children...1, 2 or 3...or more...means you DIE to YOURSELF each day. It's not supposed to feel like you are actually dying, but there are days that it feels like that to me. I told you I am selfish.
I want my kids to love me. I want them to like me if I'm honest. I know to be a GOOD parent, that isn't always possible every moment. I mean, did you LIKE your mom when she told you to eat your veggies and no ice cream for dinner? Or that you couldn't go to the party unless they called the parents of the kid inviting you...(ugh, I still remember cringing as my mom actually called!)...but hey, I'm going to do what I need to do to keep my kids safe, too..so call away I will probably do too.
So, tell me your story. Well, honestly, I thought that adopting 3 kids was no different than having them on my own except I'd have to miss out on some of their lives.(and 1, 2, or 3..what was the difference..kids changes your life, so why not 3, right?) Yes, they would have "baggage" but we would LOVE it away. I thought we would go to the park and play together. I thought we would go to a baseball game as a family. I didn't anticipate my one daughter would wig out when the music and noise got too loud or that my oldest would be worrying about what food he wasn't eating to the point that he would probably steal something from our home that evening and gorge himself on it later, because he felt deprived as he had before us and it's a trigger for him. I didn't know my youngest would be worried about her other siblings who seem to overreact to everything...even so much so that she will lie that SHE did something so they don't have to face a consequence..just to keep the peace in our house.
That's the minor stuff. The big stuff I can't even share...only a few know...mostly professionals who are helping us..and a few close friends and prayer warriors.
So my story (I choose not to speak for my husband, who, quite honestly, is less selfish than me when it comes to our kids...) is one of loneliness. Most people do not or care not to relate to us as parents. We have to be SUPER strict. We seem to never have fun with our kids. Truth is, we wish to be "normal" parents. I'm sure our kids wish they didn't come with baggage. Sadly, that was the only way we would be parents.
Before you think I don't love my children...I sure do. So much so it hurts. I tell my kids I would jump in front of a bus for them. Sadly, at least 2 are not sure that is true...because early in their life someone pretty much pushed THEM in FRONT of the bus.
It is my hope that ONE adoptive parent sees this and realizes he/she is NOT the only one who deals with this. I probably don't fully understand YOUR situation...but I may have an idea of the guilt you carry that you wish it was easy. You wish you didn't respond in anger when your child says awful things to you because he/she is afraid to let you in and therefore pushes you away. It hurts so deeply so YOUR defense mechanisms kick in and you start to self preserve. Not healthy to have a child and a mom in self-preservation mode. It's definitely not the stuff that makes a Hallmark movie. (well, not the lovey-dovey kind anyway!)
My husband always says this saying, "It is what it is." For our family, I hope it is just like this until they heal. I pray hard everyday that they will be healed of the emotional scars they incurred before meeting their forever Mommy and Daddy. I even selfishly pray (see there is that selfishness again) that they are grateful as adults that their Mommy and Daddy sought help from professionals, loved them after ugly ugly behavior and just were their parents no matter what.
None of the above will happen without a WHOLE LOT of God's grace showering each one of my kids. And us as parents.
So we pray. And hope. We let people think we have the fairy tale. We do because in the end we have 3 kids who are cute and loving and are God's gift to us..but are struggling. We have God sustaining us.
You probably, however, won't see us on one of those lovey-dovey Hallmark movies!
Monday, June 2, 2014
Meltdown Challenge
HERE YA GO!! BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!! WE ARE GONNA HAVE SO MUCH FUN!!!!
TEAM up with others inside a fun 6 Week Health Challenge designed to help you eat healthier, get fit andWIN MONEY while you learn to live a healthier lifestyle! This is open to EVERYONE, not just TSFL clients.
"Spring into summer" and experience the benefit of having a FREE personal health coach and a team of others supporting and encouraging you as you practice the Habits of Health to achieve your personal health goals!
Individuals will win for achieving their weight loss percentage goal AND for earning a minimum number of healthy habit points for making healthy choices and participating in the Challenge. Even if you're already at a healthy weight you can still join and compete based on maintaining your weight and earning points for healthy choices.
How do you participate?
1) Join this event using the link http://goo.gl/rCQcfm. Send me a private message, call or text me at 717-330-0991 or email me at danaparmerhealthcoach@gmail.co
2) "SHARE" this post and invite others to join the team.
3) Get ready to get healthier before summer and get ready to WIN the Challenge with other like-minded individuals.
The more people that join the bigger the pot, and the more support we have. Lets make our team as big as we can!
Friday, May 23, 2014
To Sleep or Not To Sleep
This article on the importance of sleep really spoke to me as something is up with my sleeping lately. Soon I will write about my sleepless night ponderings, but for now, read this article about the findings on the importance of sleep and some tips to help you out if you are struggling like I am.
I pray you have restorative sleep tonight.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Heartbeat
I am blessed to have a great doctor, and I can really attest to that because he has seen me through illness and ultimately discovering I am infertile, and then rejoiced with me and my husband when we told him we were adopting.
Back to my appointment. It is hard to come to this appointment even though I have three children…three healthy children who are dealing with some tough adoption stuff reconciling with the fact that their birthmother, even though she had several chances, could not get her act together to keep them safe. I can't reconcile that…I'd throw myself in front of a bus for these kids' safety.
Back to my appointment. I have a hard time going to the scene of the crime…where I found out that it was my fault we could not have biological children. There was so much kindness from God in our story…but the moment we found out that we could not conceive…that moment was just filled with pain. I have to mentally prepare myself to go there…to sit with the happy, expectant mothers, with all of the magazines with babies on the covers, with all of the portraits of happy babies, happy moms with babies, happy dads with babies…it's all a reminder that I sat in those chairs hoping to be one of those pregnant moms..instead of the woman who was facing a hysterectomy.
I have been a mom for 7 years…you think being here wouldn't be as hard..and it does get a little easier each year…but the pang still hits me at this appointment…each year.
This appointment's pain took me off guard. I was doing great really. I brought schoolwork to do, (I am a teacher), but left it in the car! No worries..they handed me a ton of paperwork which I took my time on. I used the bathroom…and got called back. Perfect. Short wait time. I had a half hour to wait after getting in my exam room..and then it happened.
I heard something I never heard before.
NO, it can't be.
Yup, I think that's what it was…
I heard the patient in the next room hear her baby's heartbeat.
I was COMPLETELY taken off guard. I felt like I had eavesdropped on something so sacred and precious…I was amazed at that sound…the miracle of life in the next room that God is caring for in her belly…
IN HER BELLY…
Ugh, that pain took my breath away. I think I stopped breathing for a full 30 seconds…
NO….I was doing so well this year.
I couldn't cry….I knew the doctor would be in any minute. I held it together...and, in fact, it's a day later and I still haven't let it out.
So, I write.
I wish I had been there to hear each of my kids' heartbeats as I waited to greet them on their first day of life. I will not get that, nor can I ever go back in time to experience that.
I can't go back and care for them the way they should have been. I would have fed them, bathed them, loved on them every instant. I would have been tired but so happy to be able to meet each of their needs. They wouldn't grow up wondering if they would get fed. They wouldn't endure what they went through. I would have been a good mom to those 3 infants I never met. I would have…
God had a different plan. It was beautiful. I still marvel at how it all came to be…but there is still pain.
God is with me in the pain. God is with me in the pure joy that my kids bring me each day. God is with me as I help them through their challenges..and when they are just kids being kids…the good, the bad, the ugly!!
God is with me….with every heartbeat…
Thursday, January 23, 2014
A Raging Battle
I am currently doing an online Bible study through Proverbs 31 Ministries. It is already rocking my world!! The question posed this week is "What other things (besides food) do you currently crave more than God? Ouch….What a great question, because once we tackle our love of food by learning new habits we realize it is a battle for our devotions for God to be stolen by all sorts of things. Food isn't inherently bad. Sweet treats, in moderation, aren't inherently awful. When food is used as it not intended (in my case to stuff my emotions vs. fuel our body), then there is a problem. What am I currently craving more than God? My answer would be peace…peace in my parenting, peace in my heart in a challenging financial time, a life of ease. As a parent of 3 adopted children with unique needs, this not where God has me. When I am bitter about my lot in life, our financial insecurity, my role as a Mommy to these 3 precious children who push my every button and drain me emotionally, I am craving what God does not have for me. God has a plan. God has a purpose for me. I need to crave God's peace and God's love. No peace comes without that. I crave a life of self-indulgence, peace and a world that revolves around ME. I cannot be at the center of my own world and find true peace. I need to crave God's love and put Him in the front and center. There is a hymn that says "more of Him, less of me"..Yup, that sums it up pretty well. It is where God is at the center, where peace exists…true peace. May you find peace by putting God first in all you do…and that the other cravings be quieted.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
A Creamery, A Bakery, and a Winery..an unlikely place to start a health journey!!
Most people think they have to wait for the perfect time to start something new. As you may have already figured out in life, waiting for the perfect time doesn't usually work out…because something will always get in the way of finding that "perfect time." I can be guilty of that with my marriage. I want to bring up a topic I think may not be received so well with my husband, and I don't because, it's just not the right time….see what I mean? It just is uncomfortable…and getting me out of my comfort zone..it's not that the timing is really that wrong!!
Last year we had sold our home. The buyers wanted to move in immediately because they had been living with family for a long time, and they were ready to have their own place. We really, really wanted to sell, but had no place to go because we were building. We didn't want to go out of our school district (where I worked and my kids attended), so we searched for an apartment we could afford that would house all 5 of us. (kids aged 7,8, and 10 at the time). Well, turns out most places won't rent for just 3 months..and none would take our dog. We found a loving family to take our dog while we rented, and we rented a ONE BEDROOM apartment for all of us to squeeze into for the 3 months it would take to build our new home.
Sounds like the perfect time to start a journey to health right? Well, maybe not, but it gets better. This apartment was attached to my all time favorite ice cream shop, and it shared a parking lot with a bakery and winery. Across the street was a pizza shop as well.
Now you are thinking, well that is just plain CRAZY!! I think these circumstances pushed us right into NEEDING this step toward health.
My husband was working a VERY stressful job that had him working tons of hours, and most of them in his car. Drive ins were too easy. I had been trying to get the last of the weight I had gained off since a hysterectomy in 2009, and the last of it just wouldn't budge.
It was time for my 40th birthday and my husband KNEW I wanted a big party. (I may have mentioned it to him a few hundred times!), but here we were sqooshed into this one bedroom apartment and he couldn't see how this party would come to be.
He also knew I wanted to get our family healthy.
He may have seen a few brochures lying around about the program that my friend had lost 86 lbs with..and my other friend over 100 lbs!!
He sat me down and asked if it was unromantic for us to do this program together!! NO WAY!! This is great, my husband is going to do this journey with me!! I knew at that moment this was going to change our lives..and the lives of our 3 kids.
I'm so excited to now be a health coach giving hope to others on THEIR journey. Paying it forward.
Stay tuned to see how it went for us!!
Here is a sneak peek!
Last year we had sold our home. The buyers wanted to move in immediately because they had been living with family for a long time, and they were ready to have their own place. We really, really wanted to sell, but had no place to go because we were building. We didn't want to go out of our school district (where I worked and my kids attended), so we searched for an apartment we could afford that would house all 5 of us. (kids aged 7,8, and 10 at the time). Well, turns out most places won't rent for just 3 months..and none would take our dog. We found a loving family to take our dog while we rented, and we rented a ONE BEDROOM apartment for all of us to squeeze into for the 3 months it would take to build our new home.
Sounds like the perfect time to start a journey to health right? Well, maybe not, but it gets better. This apartment was attached to my all time favorite ice cream shop, and it shared a parking lot with a bakery and winery. Across the street was a pizza shop as well.
Now you are thinking, well that is just plain CRAZY!! I think these circumstances pushed us right into NEEDING this step toward health.
My husband was working a VERY stressful job that had him working tons of hours, and most of them in his car. Drive ins were too easy. I had been trying to get the last of the weight I had gained off since a hysterectomy in 2009, and the last of it just wouldn't budge.
It was time for my 40th birthday and my husband KNEW I wanted a big party. (I may have mentioned it to him a few hundred times!), but here we were sqooshed into this one bedroom apartment and he couldn't see how this party would come to be.
He also knew I wanted to get our family healthy.
He may have seen a few brochures lying around about the program that my friend had lost 86 lbs with..and my other friend over 100 lbs!!
He sat me down and asked if it was unromantic for us to do this program together!! NO WAY!! This is great, my husband is going to do this journey with me!! I knew at that moment this was going to change our lives..and the lives of our 3 kids.
I'm so excited to now be a health coach giving hope to others on THEIR journey. Paying it forward.
Stay tuned to see how it went for us!!
Here is a sneak peek!
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