When stress happens, you need to have a plan. Here is a great webinar about emotional eating. Thanks to the Meltdown Challenge for this information.
http://www.audioacrobat.com/playv/WBgvRWHQ
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Saturday, June 7, 2014
Tell Me Your Story
I get this a lot when people hear we adopted 3 children. I'm sure it seems like a fairy tale to most.
Boy meets girl. They fall in love. They have children...well, they can't have children of their own, but God puts it on their heart to adopt a sibling set so that children from one family could stay together.Everyone lives happily ever after. The End.
Ok, seriously...people who have kids, natural or adopted, know that isn't how it works! At all. Or ever!
There's a lot of mess in between...and I suspect for the entire time you parent..which I hear is until you take your last breath....
People think because we wanted 3 children and adopted we are saints. Believe me, there are days when I get a compliment as such and it is JUST what I needed to hear. I'm pretty sure if they were in our 4 walls at our home, however, they may hold that compliment.
I am a selfish person. I knew that when I got married. I like doing things that bless ME. I like to THINK that I like to do things to bless my husband..and I do, if it blesses me as well. Well, I'm not all that bad, but, um..yes I am. I think if we are all honest, we want a life of ease. Having children...1, 2 or 3...or more...means you DIE to YOURSELF each day. It's not supposed to feel like you are actually dying, but there are days that it feels like that to me. I told you I am selfish.
I want my kids to love me. I want them to like me if I'm honest. I know to be a GOOD parent, that isn't always possible every moment. I mean, did you LIKE your mom when she told you to eat your veggies and no ice cream for dinner? Or that you couldn't go to the party unless they called the parents of the kid inviting you...(ugh, I still remember cringing as my mom actually called!)...but hey, I'm going to do what I need to do to keep my kids safe, too..so call away I will probably do too.
So, tell me your story. Well, honestly, I thought that adopting 3 kids was no different than having them on my own except I'd have to miss out on some of their lives.(and 1, 2, or 3..what was the difference..kids changes your life, so why not 3, right?) Yes, they would have "baggage" but we would LOVE it away. I thought we would go to the park and play together. I thought we would go to a baseball game as a family. I didn't anticipate my one daughter would wig out when the music and noise got too loud or that my oldest would be worrying about what food he wasn't eating to the point that he would probably steal something from our home that evening and gorge himself on it later, because he felt deprived as he had before us and it's a trigger for him. I didn't know my youngest would be worried about her other siblings who seem to overreact to everything...even so much so that she will lie that SHE did something so they don't have to face a consequence..just to keep the peace in our house.
That's the minor stuff. The big stuff I can't even share...only a few know...mostly professionals who are helping us..and a few close friends and prayer warriors.
So my story (I choose not to speak for my husband, who, quite honestly, is less selfish than me when it comes to our kids...) is one of loneliness. Most people do not or care not to relate to us as parents. We have to be SUPER strict. We seem to never have fun with our kids. Truth is, we wish to be "normal" parents. I'm sure our kids wish they didn't come with baggage. Sadly, that was the only way we would be parents.
Before you think I don't love my children...I sure do. So much so it hurts. I tell my kids I would jump in front of a bus for them. Sadly, at least 2 are not sure that is true...because early in their life someone pretty much pushed THEM in FRONT of the bus.
It is my hope that ONE adoptive parent sees this and realizes he/she is NOT the only one who deals with this. I probably don't fully understand YOUR situation...but I may have an idea of the guilt you carry that you wish it was easy. You wish you didn't respond in anger when your child says awful things to you because he/she is afraid to let you in and therefore pushes you away. It hurts so deeply so YOUR defense mechanisms kick in and you start to self preserve. Not healthy to have a child and a mom in self-preservation mode. It's definitely not the stuff that makes a Hallmark movie. (well, not the lovey-dovey kind anyway!)
My husband always says this saying, "It is what it is." For our family, I hope it is just like this until they heal. I pray hard everyday that they will be healed of the emotional scars they incurred before meeting their forever Mommy and Daddy. I even selfishly pray (see there is that selfishness again) that they are grateful as adults that their Mommy and Daddy sought help from professionals, loved them after ugly ugly behavior and just were their parents no matter what.
None of the above will happen without a WHOLE LOT of God's grace showering each one of my kids. And us as parents.
So we pray. And hope. We let people think we have the fairy tale. We do because in the end we have 3 kids who are cute and loving and are God's gift to us..but are struggling. We have God sustaining us.
You probably, however, won't see us on one of those lovey-dovey Hallmark movies!
Boy meets girl. They fall in love. They have children...well, they can't have children of their own, but God puts it on their heart to adopt a sibling set so that children from one family could stay together.Everyone lives happily ever after. The End.
Ok, seriously...people who have kids, natural or adopted, know that isn't how it works! At all. Or ever!
There's a lot of mess in between...and I suspect for the entire time you parent..which I hear is until you take your last breath....
People think because we wanted 3 children and adopted we are saints. Believe me, there are days when I get a compliment as such and it is JUST what I needed to hear. I'm pretty sure if they were in our 4 walls at our home, however, they may hold that compliment.
I am a selfish person. I knew that when I got married. I like doing things that bless ME. I like to THINK that I like to do things to bless my husband..and I do, if it blesses me as well. Well, I'm not all that bad, but, um..yes I am. I think if we are all honest, we want a life of ease. Having children...1, 2 or 3...or more...means you DIE to YOURSELF each day. It's not supposed to feel like you are actually dying, but there are days that it feels like that to me. I told you I am selfish.
I want my kids to love me. I want them to like me if I'm honest. I know to be a GOOD parent, that isn't always possible every moment. I mean, did you LIKE your mom when she told you to eat your veggies and no ice cream for dinner? Or that you couldn't go to the party unless they called the parents of the kid inviting you...(ugh, I still remember cringing as my mom actually called!)...but hey, I'm going to do what I need to do to keep my kids safe, too..so call away I will probably do too.
So, tell me your story. Well, honestly, I thought that adopting 3 kids was no different than having them on my own except I'd have to miss out on some of their lives.(and 1, 2, or 3..what was the difference..kids changes your life, so why not 3, right?) Yes, they would have "baggage" but we would LOVE it away. I thought we would go to the park and play together. I thought we would go to a baseball game as a family. I didn't anticipate my one daughter would wig out when the music and noise got too loud or that my oldest would be worrying about what food he wasn't eating to the point that he would probably steal something from our home that evening and gorge himself on it later, because he felt deprived as he had before us and it's a trigger for him. I didn't know my youngest would be worried about her other siblings who seem to overreact to everything...even so much so that she will lie that SHE did something so they don't have to face a consequence..just to keep the peace in our house.
That's the minor stuff. The big stuff I can't even share...only a few know...mostly professionals who are helping us..and a few close friends and prayer warriors.
So my story (I choose not to speak for my husband, who, quite honestly, is less selfish than me when it comes to our kids...) is one of loneliness. Most people do not or care not to relate to us as parents. We have to be SUPER strict. We seem to never have fun with our kids. Truth is, we wish to be "normal" parents. I'm sure our kids wish they didn't come with baggage. Sadly, that was the only way we would be parents.
Before you think I don't love my children...I sure do. So much so it hurts. I tell my kids I would jump in front of a bus for them. Sadly, at least 2 are not sure that is true...because early in their life someone pretty much pushed THEM in FRONT of the bus.
It is my hope that ONE adoptive parent sees this and realizes he/she is NOT the only one who deals with this. I probably don't fully understand YOUR situation...but I may have an idea of the guilt you carry that you wish it was easy. You wish you didn't respond in anger when your child says awful things to you because he/she is afraid to let you in and therefore pushes you away. It hurts so deeply so YOUR defense mechanisms kick in and you start to self preserve. Not healthy to have a child and a mom in self-preservation mode. It's definitely not the stuff that makes a Hallmark movie. (well, not the lovey-dovey kind anyway!)
My husband always says this saying, "It is what it is." For our family, I hope it is just like this until they heal. I pray hard everyday that they will be healed of the emotional scars they incurred before meeting their forever Mommy and Daddy. I even selfishly pray (see there is that selfishness again) that they are grateful as adults that their Mommy and Daddy sought help from professionals, loved them after ugly ugly behavior and just were their parents no matter what.
None of the above will happen without a WHOLE LOT of God's grace showering each one of my kids. And us as parents.
So we pray. And hope. We let people think we have the fairy tale. We do because in the end we have 3 kids who are cute and loving and are God's gift to us..but are struggling. We have God sustaining us.
You probably, however, won't see us on one of those lovey-dovey Hallmark movies!
Monday, June 2, 2014
Meltdown Challenge
HERE YA GO!! BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!! WE ARE GONNA HAVE SO MUCH FUN!!!!
TEAM up with others inside a fun 6 Week Health Challenge designed to help you eat healthier, get fit andWIN MONEY while you learn to live a healthier lifestyle! This is open to EVERYONE, not just TSFL clients.
"Spring into summer" and experience the benefit of having a FREE personal health coach and a team of others supporting and encouraging you as you practice the Habits of Health to achieve your personal health goals!
Individuals will win for achieving their weight loss percentage goal AND for earning a minimum number of healthy habit points for making healthy choices and participating in the Challenge. Even if you're already at a healthy weight you can still join and compete based on maintaining your weight and earning points for healthy choices.
How do you participate?
1) Join this event using the link http://goo.gl/rCQcfm. Send me a private message, call or text me at 717-330-0991 or email me at danaparmerhealthcoach@gmail.co
2) "SHARE" this post and invite others to join the team.
3) Get ready to get healthier before summer and get ready to WIN the Challenge with other like-minded individuals.
The more people that join the bigger the pot, and the more support we have. Lets make our team as big as we can!
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